I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
