dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
