I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
