I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
