I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
