Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
