hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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