it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize