R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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