We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am spending my child support on dildos
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
