I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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