My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
