You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
