party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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