if you like me you must not know who I am
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
