is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
