sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so let's talk penis.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
