phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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