remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
