He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
