Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
