hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
