There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
