"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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