so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
