home. puking in laundry basket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
