Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
