Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
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