i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
