so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
