every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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