@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
