Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize