I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
