Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
