And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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