i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
