Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
