Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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