Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
