Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize