Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
