He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
