Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
