Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize