You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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