we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
