I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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