Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
