if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
