I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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