Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
