You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
