He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
