Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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