New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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