do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
