So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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