I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
