he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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