I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
