New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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