Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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