I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
