cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
