Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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