My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
